“The quality of our questions and conversations will result in the quality of our lives”
Multiple people have asked me, “How did you know he was the ONE”? when I chose to marry my husband.
While they were looking for my answer to be about a specific day when the heavens opened up and screamed YES! from the mountaintops, I do not have that answer.
Our society has become so skeptical. We trust no one, and it’s because most of us have been lied to so many times that our guards have gone up permanently. I believe that those guards stem from us being a society that is so revolved around image.
-As children in school, if we give the “right” answer we will be given a good grade
-Our parents withholding vital information about mistakes they made in the past, in the hopes of protecting us, but also in my opinion, to preserve the image they want us to have of them
-Being told countless times, ”What they don’t know can’t hurt them.”
-Reality shows showing us what “realistic” relationships look like
I want to give you all an honest answer by telling you that it was 365 days of these examples of questions and conversations below that lead me to my answer. These questions and conversations did not come naturally. In fact most of them are the kinds of questions that we all will process in our minds but NEVER find the boldness to say out loud, but they need to be.
-So just curious, if you’ve been dating the same person for 5 years, what’s holding you back from being married to them?
-So I’ve noticed that you never have any money leftover at the end of the month. Do you budget your finances? Let’s sit down and look at how much you make and where it’s all going.
-I want you to tell me about your past relationships because I’m noticing this insecurity that keeps popping up and I want to see if it was a trend in the past, and if it was, we need to eliminate that fear for good so that it doesn’t carry into this relationship that we have together.
-Let’s talk about how we have both been taught to communicate when there’s something that’s happening that we don’t like, because I’m noticing that I’m not receiving what you’re saying very well, so let’s come up with a solution for that.
-I want to hang out with you but I’ll be honest, if it starts to affect my training we’re going to have to re-evaluate how much time we’re spending together because this is my dream and I need you to respect that.
-If I were to ever be married, when it comes to finances, my ideal situation would be that both of the people have this set of priorities in place……..and until that was a priority for both people, I wouldn’t marry that person.
Those are just some of my examples. You’ll have your own set. But here’s the point: We need to be talking about these things not one year in, but from the start. We need to discuss finances, personal development, spiritual beliefs, family, backgrounds, environments, communication styles, character and integrity, dreams and desires, priorities, opinions, standards, etc. Basically we need to be talking about everything that’s real, from the start.
365 days of that and you’ll know if someone is the ONE.
I’d like to assume that most people ask me this question because they too are hoping to find their ONE. So I’d like to leave us with two things to really sit down and process:
1. Are we truly 100% authentic and transparent with ourselves? Do we tell the truth at all times, never ommitt information, keep our commitments to ourselves ?
2. If the answer to #1 is an overwhelming YES, do we have the boldness to ask others to be authentic and transparent? Do we expect it? Do we lead them by being their example? Do we give them an environment where they feel comfortable to do this?
3. If the answer to #1 is no, do we really need to be searching for the ONE, let alone anyone, or do we need to be taking this time to develop ourselves?
Tough questions to answer honestly. I was faced with these very same questions in the past, and it was painful to be honest, because back in the day, both of my answers were an overwhelming NO. And I had to fall into multiple pits, and climb back out for years until I was finally faced with enough trials and tribulations that turned both answers into YES. You’ll have to go through that same pain. There’s no way around it. But one of my rewards was this handsome man (Obviously I can’t show his unwavering character and integrity in a photo but if I could…). So I can imagine you can guess whether or not the pain was worth it.